CAFFEINE

The post you are about to read is inspired by a lady who comes into my work, and have had the absolute pleasure of serving not once, but twice. Now when I say the absolute pleasure, what I really mean is that there is no-one on this planet I would like to serve less than her. When we see her coming, we run and hide because there really is no-stopping what she is about to order.

Let's call her Fran.

The first time Fran walked into my cafe, I thought she looked like most of the other women I see walking around the shopping centre. Children on one side and Woolworths shopping bags on the other. However, she had a bit more of a smug look on her face than the others, and I knew something smug-like would be coming out of her mouth in the form of an annoying coffee order. What is an annoying coffee order you ask? Well let me fill you in...

1. ordering a 'hot' coffee. 
Do you want your milk to be burnt and taste like soy milk that has been sitting in the sun for a few days? No? Okay then, I will make it to the same temperature as everyone elses which is already hot.

2. ordering three take-away coffees with three different types of milk and expect them to be made in one second.
I am not God. I can only heat up one type of milk at a time. If you were in a rush then you probably shouldn't have ordered a soy latte, a lactose free flat-white and a full cream cappuccino...

3. ordering a coffee which makes no sense.
For example, a cappuccino with no chocolate or an iced coffee with no milk.
(I literally had one lady that wanted an iced coffee with no milk so I said "oh, so a long black on ice then?" and she said "NO, an iced coffee with no milk!!!" so I said OK and made her a long black on ice, before taking it out and her saying "there you go, you got it in the end". Yeah, fuck you lady.)

Now, this third point is essential when it comes to Fran. Before I write down what her order is, you may need to take a deep breath.

"Can I please have an extra hot skinny soy decaf cappuccino with no chocolate?"
"Come again?"
"an extra hot skinny soy decaf cappuccino with no chocolate?"

I think she could tell by the state of utter confusion and bewilderment on my face that I was not happy. UH WHAT IS THIS, AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ORDER. Fran thinks she knows a lot about coffee, but if she really did, she would order a decaf soy latte (which is really what that order equates to). She would also know that baristas have approximately 20 other coffees to make at the same time and will most likely make yours last because you are annoying and stupid.

(Moral of the story: if you order a coffee like Fran, please stop.)

Happy Friday err'body.

ALBUM REVIEW: James Vincent Mc Morrow - Post Tropical

Lately, I haven't been able to get enough of James' Vincent Mc Morrow's newest album - Post Tropical. As a long-term fan of mr. Mc Morrow and his spine-tingling falsetto, Post Tropical is the perfect blend of raw vocal performances, electronic keys, and a seriously good mix of R&B, folk and islander inspired beats. 

I can't help but compare this album to something that Sufjan Stevens, Keaton Henson and Bon Iver's Justin Vernon would dream up, mixing soft vocals with instrumental interludes, and each track showcasing a different vibe. (but seriously though, how fantastic would an album be if those three worked together? Pretty damn rad I would think).

The opening song of the album - Cavalier, was released as a single before the album late last year, and pretty much made me weak at the knees before the album had been released. It opens with Mc Morrow's soft vocals, and a backdrop of dreamy chords on an electric keyboard. Instantly drawing in the listener by the raw-ness of it all, Mc Morrow's falsetto hits new heights (like seriously high-pitched) before taking off into a large instrumental piece. The rest of the tune falls pretty much in suit, with waves of beautiful vocals, soft chords and instrumental interludes showcasing an organ-sounding keyboard.   

The next couple of tracks contrast with Cavalier perfectly, using a similar framework of electronic sounds and breathy falsetto vocals; that is, until you reach the fourth track fittingly titled 'gold'. I say fittingly, because I can only ever visualise a royal fanfare playing throughout this tune. It may be the use of brass and other wind instruments or the true richness of it all, flooding my mind with images of royals, Narnia, and castles. 

The title track 'Post Tropical' is another standout track of the album, with its catchy verses, beautiful lyrics and orchestral sounding instrumentation. 

Throughout the album, Mc Morrow uses some true-to-title sounds, with islander/hawaiian tropical sounding rifs and slidey notes all over the place. The beautifully raw and delicate vocals are definitely the standout of the album, making it one of those amazing albums that transport you to a complete different place. 

Warning: whilst listening to this album you may forget that you're sitting on the bus, grooving along with your eyes closed, and providing entertainment for everyone else's ride home. 

RATING: 8/10